It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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