I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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