mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
