I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
