I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
