Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
