god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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