see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
