Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
