He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
