Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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