yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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