You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
