I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
