i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
