sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
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I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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