Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
