I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
