Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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