I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
