Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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