You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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