I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
