You smell like a Billy Joel song
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
