I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it was like his penis was on wheels.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There's always time for handjobs
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
