This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
