when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
