At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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