my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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