ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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