I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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