I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
