Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
