I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
barbara walters just said penis...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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