My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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