I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
