everyone is single if you try hard enough
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
