You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
