eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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