I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
