it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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