The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
