Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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