dude i'm inner monologue high
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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