just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
