You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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