so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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