this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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