so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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