Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
foreskin is a definite game changer
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
