alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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