he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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