I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
