My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
