Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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